Literary Smackdown!!!

A site where short fiction can be published, read and voted for every month.
Every month there will be a new topic that each story must stem from. If you want to post a story, send it to literarysmackdown@gmail.com...and if you want to vote on a story, you can do it in the comments section of that story. 1=bad, 10=good. Check out January archives for details.
MAY'S TOPIC: forthcoming....

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

A Story About a Girl With a Pretty Face and a Black Heart. You know, one of those heart-warming dealies.

Here we go with the second entry in the May Smackdown, a story written by me, Brian Crane. Hopefully this won't be the last entry this month, but only time will tell. Mine just squeaks under the maximum word count, so I'll let you get right to it.


The Girl Who Won Big on the Yahtzee Slots
by Brian Crane

When she finally came out she was alone. She stopped in front of the entrance, her sun-browned shoulders hunched forward protectively as she rooted in her blue cloth purse. She looked up a few times while she searched, her dark eyes wary of something. Himself, he guessed. Even from this distance, he was struck once more by how pretty she was. Since the last time he’d seen her she’d pulled her long hair into a ponytail. Some of her hair had begun to pull free from the band – the sun glinted off of the wiry strands. Her tan legs, capped by a short denim skirt, shone thrillingly in the sunlight, but this time he was able to quash his desire. Now that he knew what kind of woman she was, he recognized her easy beauty as just another tool she used to her own advantage.

Once she’d found what she was after, a pair of enormous sunglasses, she put them on her face and started walking east towards the Paris casino. Towards him. Quickly, he slipped his quarter-back into his back jeans pocket (a sci-fi novel called Jupiter he’d picked up at the airport), and stared meaningfully into the baroque-style fountain he was standing in front of, feigning interest in the way a particular arc of water splashed into the penny-strewn pool. A moment passed, and she passed right by him. He waited a beat or two, and then followed.

As they walked down the strip, jostling shoulder to shoulder with a throng of tourists cooking beneath the sun together, he realized his next move was absolutely the wrong one. He couldn’t just surprise her with a firm hand on her elbow and compel her to talk to him, as he’d planned. All she had to do was scream and the prospect of any civilized discussion would go right out the window.

Before a sensible alternative plan occured to him, he noticed she’d stopped and was speaking to the hostess of an outdoor café attached to the casino. It didn’t look busy. He stopped and patted the front of his jeans looking for his cell. He took it out, flipped it open, and spoke into it. Some fifty or so yards away, the one-third scale replica of the Eiffel Tower loomed above them, a vast and rusted monster, one massive leg arcing down in front of the casino’s front entrance, looking as if it might suddenly tense and then lift to take another step.

He glanced over at his quarry. The hostess was leading her through the café and into the dark interior of the restaurant.

This, he knew, was his one and only play.

He stood next to the hostess’s lectern until she returned. “One,” he said. “Inside, please.”

Once inside he cursed silently. His eyes hadn’t adjusted from the bright sunlight; it was too dark to spot her. All he could do was hope she hadn’t noticed him. As soon as he was seated, he picked up the menu and held it in front of his face. The hostess was saying something to him about who his waitress would be but he ignored her. When his eyes were adjusted, he slowly lowered his menu and scanned the restaurant’s interior over the top of the pleasingly-yellowed parchment paper menu.

Across the room. Long brown hair, yellow blouse. Blue purse. Her back faced him.

He inhaled, exhaled, stood up, and walked to her table. He was seated across from her before she’d noticed anything had happened. She’d been airily perusing the choices when she looked up and saw him. She recognized him at once and opened her mouth, perhaps to scream, but he shook his head urgently and she was silent. “Do not scream,” he said, quietly. “Beneath the table.” She closed her mouth and her eyes flicked to the wooden tabletop. He nodded at her, but did not smile. “Yeah,” he said. “But I just want to talk.”

“Well, I don’t,” she said. Starting to look around the restaurant. No one was coming their way. “I don’t even know you.”

He snorted. “In case you haven’t noticed, it’s just you and me. There’s no casino security guys around for you to lie to.”

She looked at him now, her eyes bouncing back and forth as their focus shifted slightly from his right eye to his left and back again. “I’m supposed to believe you didn’t bring some kind of tape recorder?”

“I said all I want to do is talk, and I meant it.”

“So you didn’t bring a tape recorder, but you did bring a gun?” She wasn’t smiling when she said this, but the possibility of her smiling seemed far less remote now than it did when he first sat down. She wasn’t scared anymore, if she’d ever been.

He straightened in his seat. “Yes,” he said, unable to keep a note of falsity out of his voice. The fact of his lie seemed to hang in the air between them for a moment, and then he took hold of his cold, thick-handled salad fork, (but did not pick it up), and shook his head. “I do have one,” he said.

“No you don’t.”

He sat motionless for a moment, watching her, weighing whether to keep up the bluff or let it go, and finally he sat back in his chair. “Okay. Fine.”

Her expression was unreadable. Was she figuring her next play, or waiting for him to say what he was going to say?

“Are you going to scream, or can we talk?” he said.

“Go ahead,” she said, affecting a bored tone of voice. “Talk.”

He leaned forward. “I want the thousand you promised me,” he said.

“No.” Her expression was defiant now. Ugly. The opposite of how she’d looked when they’d been sitting together in front of the Yahtzee slots. She’d been beautiful then. Radiant. You could almost have believed she’d felt something for him.

“You were broke. I gave you a twenty and you promised if you won the jackpot, which we both assumed you wouldn’t, you’d give me one thousand. Against all odds, you won. That’s it. Fair is fair.”

She did an extended eye roll and sighed petulantly. “Do you have something in writing?”

“You know I don’t.”

“Than what is there to talk about?”

He clenched his fists tightly beneath the table. “You won four. Hundred. Thousand. Dollars. All I’m asking for is the one thousand you promised me.”

“You know. I think I will scream.”

He shook his head and looked away from her. “No, no, no, no,” he said. “Keep your grand.” He knew she wasn’t going to scream, not now, but the threat of embarassment and forcible ejection wasn’t what was distressing him at the moment. He hadn’t expected it to go this way. He really thought he could shame her into doing the right thing. How stupid. He looked at her now. “Can I have my twenty back?”

She narrowed her eyes at him. She looked disappointed. “What do you think?”

He took a breath and stood up. She struck the table with an open hand but did not look up at him. “Sit down,” she said. After a moment’s deliberation, he did. “I’ve been playing those fucking slots for six years, every weekend thinking this is going to be the one. Never was. And even though I figured it out, you know, the whole con? I still kept coming in. Someone told me the slots were looser at Circus Circus, so I go to that awful fucking place and drop quarter after quarter into their filthy machines, breathing all of that goddamn smoke, listening to all of those crying wetback kids waiting to see the fucking clown. Last weekend I was in Primm Valley, getting hit on by fat old bastards with BO sour enough to knock you on your ass. But I was just as nice as could be. And they’d give me money. Made ‘em feel good. Whatever I have to do to work those slots for another half hour. So you come along today, think some pretty girl’s into you, give her a twenty probably thinking you’ll get it back some other way, and I win. I win?” She sounded strangely offended by her improbable victory over bad luck. “For the first fucking time since I moved here I win some real goddamn money and you want me to be fair?”

The waitress was standing next to her now, looking uncomfortable. “Sorry. Just came to get your drink orders.”

“Diet Coke,” she said. “He’s fine with water.” The waitress was already rushing away.

She pulled her purse onto the table and started rooting around in it again. “Tell you what,” she said. “I’ll give you your twenty back, but only if you promise to stand up, walk out of here, and never talk to me again. What do you say?” She flung a crumpled twenty onto the table. It landed next to the centerpiece, some plastic thing filled with lace and ugly white flowers.

He picked it up, stood up, and put the bill into his pocket. “You are not a good person,” he said, and, at that moment, he felt like it was the worst thing he’d ever said to anyone.

As he walked past, she dropped her purse onto the carpet next to her. “Yeah,” she said, calling after him loudly. “But now I’m rich. What do you think counts for more in this place?"

17 Comments:

Blogger blankfist said...

Very solid work, Cranesy. You have impressed me. I'm not sure why you felt so strongly about mentioning sunlight so much (contrasting it with her dark eyes, the dark cafe, and so on), in fact, you combined imagery of the dark-eyed girl and sunlight three times in the very first paragraph. That bothered me a hair, but that's a tiny, tiny gripe, but I did feel as if a not-so-subtle image motif was being forced down my throat. And, I don't sun can brown hair, can it? Only lighten? Not sure. Okay, enough about the sun.

Another small gripe is your persistent confusion of "then" and "than". The sentence "Than what is there to talk about?" is incorrect, no? Shouldn't it be "Then what..."? I think so. This is something you should probably work on, if only to please me - because I seem to catch those in everything you write, and you know I'm the most important thing in this universe (second to BOM).

That aside, great story. I was invested until the very end - and that's hard to do in such a small amount of page. If anyone else was to write this much, however, I'm not too sure you wouldn't give them a decent amount of grief (see the first smackdown entry), but for you this seems to work well except for a couple areas where it tended to drag for a bit. And there were a few areas (not many) where I wasn't sure what was happening. I still am not sure if he had a gun or not, or when he grabbed her purse. Maybe this fault lies on me, so I won't deduct because of it.

This is probably the strongest effort I have seen on the Smackdown. Period. Good job.

9.5

4:26 PM  
Blogger troglodytis said...

i'll get to smacking in a couple days, but...

didn't your own rules tell us, then retract, to be dialog heavy, "And by dialogue-heavy I mean at least a 1:1 ratio of narration to dialogue."

here YOU give us a 2:1 ratio of narration to dialogue! COME ON! that's not even CLOSE! tis no wonder i can't bring myself to write anything this month, when the rulemaker can't follow his own rules...er..suggestions.

5:20 PM  
Blogger blankfist said...

Hey! You're right, Troglodytis! I call shenanigans! For that, I will have to deduct points. Sorry, Crane, but Trog is right. Your new score:

8

6:05 PM  
Blogger Miller Sturtevant said...

Thanks for the comments guys. Obviously you guys can count off for whatever you like, but, in my defense, I did do at least a 1:1 ratio of narration to dialogue. My story is, according to MS Word, about 3 pages long. When I cut and paste the dialogue section onto a new document, the dialogue section is 2 pages long, single-spaced. I'd say that if the dialogue is 2/3 of the story, that I've actually exceeded my 1:1 ratio. A 2:1 ratio of dialogue to narration, not the other way around. You see, I WAS careful to follow my own rules.

(Can I have my 1.5 points back?)

6:48 PM  
Blogger troglodytis said...

HA! i say HA!

your story is 1,585 words, not including title.

let's split that up between dialogue and narration. i'll be generous and all the 'he/she said' i'll put with the dialogue part.

i get 1,089 words in narration to 501 words in dialog. when we do the math, with a little rounding, we get 2.17:1 ration narration to dialogue

so my initial observation was a little more forgiving than doing the numbers.

to count pages, and thus spacing, paraghaphs, and returns, i find...well...silly.

no. i don't believe you should get your points back. that's just my oppinion, and the data doesn't seem to back yours.

7:42 PM  
Blogger Miller Sturtevant said...

Indeed. I disagree with your methodology, but I understand now how you got your ratio. Thanks for the clarification.

8:03 PM  
Blogger Miller Sturtevant said...

And excellent comments, Heath. I have to go through it and check on the "then" vs "than" thing. I'm sure I made a few errors and they should be corrected. Also, good call with the confusion at the end regarding his grabbing her purse. Total typo -- it should read "she dropped her purse", not "he dropped her purse". My mistake. I've corrected it.

8:07 PM  
Blogger Miller Sturtevant said...

Thanks, Hinesy. I would say he is a weenie, also. I would also say that a good-sized fuck-up on my part is the fact that I did not make it clear at all that he did not at any point have a gun. He was bluffing. When he says to her, "Okay. Fine" he is admitting he's got nothing. No gun, no nothing. When I go back through the story, I will be sure to make that much clearer. Sorry for the confusion and thanks again for all of the notes.

8:40 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It was very clear to me that he did not have a gun when you say the lie hung in the air.

However, I do beleive this character could have a gun. Think about the type of guy who is willing to "give" $20 to a female stranger. This guy has been hurt by a lot of women, but keeps trying. At some point, he is going to snap, and I see this scenario as that exact point.

The bitch is luck to be alive, I say!

10:05 AM  
Blogger blankfist said...

I'm going to bring my girlfriend on here to convince others that my work isn't flawed. What's next, Crane? She gonna vote for you, too?!

:)

10:43 AM  
Blogger Miller Sturtevant said...

Bring Heather on to the Smackdown, dude. I know she'd love it.

12:01 PM  
Blogger blankfist said...

And, no, Crane, your math is NOT correct. Trod is right. That's not even close to being 1:1.

3:06 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have to admit I liked the story too.. but the first paragraph sounded like some ode to color.. damm it man.. we as men are only required to know 6 colors. and we are not supposed to mention them ever fourth word.

I thought they guy was a shumck and should have shot her dead.. picked up the purse and walked out the back..

So the last paragraph woul;d have gone like this:
He picked it up, stood up, and reached into his pocket, the firm wooden grip of the Smith and Wesson comfortable and sure, in his hand. Just once to many times she had lied to him. All of them. He aimed the gun squarely.
“Not much of a bluff huh?”
The blast exploded and echoed through the near deserted restaurant.
“We had a deal” he said to the woman now sitting back in her seat an expression of understanding and surprise forever on her face.

He picked up the purse and calmly walked out the back door.

an alterante ending

But nice bit of writing..

8.2

8:52 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yeah Heath,

Bring Heather on . . . I'm sure she'd love Brian O'Malley's story.

Where's your story at?

Peggy

7:45 PM  
Blogger Miller Sturtevant said...

I am voting right now.

5:44 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hmm. Okay. So, I like the last line, but a lot leading up to that needs work. I just don’t feel any motivation behind what they are saying and doing. Why is the guy waiting until she is out of the casino to confront her about giving him the money? Isn’t that something he would have done right at the moment? And why say that he has a gun? You give the reader the impression that he is kind of spineless, but only kind of. As for the girl…why does she ask him to sit back down when he is leaving anyway? Why would she drop her purse on the carpet of a restaurant, especially if she just won a bunch of money which she may or may not have on her? If she is really as “black-hearted” as you claim, why would she even give him the $20 back? She obviously didn’t have to…he was already leaving. I just felt that your characters lacked real substance and believability in their actions – a real change from last month, in which I felt your characters were very vivid. Some other minor points:

Wiry hair is not pretty, no matter if sun is glinting off of it.
What’s with “quarter-back”? Inflation of the “nickel-back”? It reminds me of non-native English speakers trying to be colloquial.
Alternate plan, instead of alternative plan – alternative plan implies there are only 2 choices or that it is a plan outside mainstream plans.
“Some fifty or so yards away, the one-third scale replica of the Eiffel Tower loomed above them, a vast and rusted monster, one massive leg arcing down in front of the casino’s front entrance,” Who are “them”? Lose one of the “fronts”.
“Her back faced him.” Can a back face? Perhaps, but it is clumsy wording.

To me, with a task like the one set for this month, it’s all in the characters and since I was not satisfied with those in your story, I’m going to have to go a bit low on the score – 4.

12:04 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Also...I agree with troglodytis about method of ratio calculation, but I also think it doesn't really matter. The narration-dialogue balance felt right.

I TOTALLY disagree with Peggy about "the kind of guy who would give a women $20" and he's "been hurt a lot by women". I mean, come on! Giving a twenty to a cute girl to gamble with is the equivelent of buying a girl a drink. I don't think you have to be some emotionally wounded animal on the verge of a breakdown or some slavering pervert to do that. It's seems like a pretty normal action to me.

Everything else in the story says he is a weenie, which is why it is so easy for the girl to tell he is lying when he says he has a gun. I think it would be totally improbably, as the story is currently written, for him to actually pull out a gun on her. And, agreeig with Nathan a bit, I think the bluff of him having a gun is a little over the top.

12:13 AM  

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