Literary Smackdown!!!

A site where short fiction can be published, read and voted for every month.
Every month there will be a new topic that each story must stem from. If you want to post a story, send it to literarysmackdown@gmail.com...and if you want to vote on a story, you can do it in the comments section of that story. 1=bad, 10=good. Check out January archives for details.
MAY'S TOPIC: forthcoming....

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

JG Wells: Writer, Blogger, World Traveller, and now, Smackdown Contender. Behold the 8th Entry! "Fertile Ground"

This is JG Wells. As you can tell from the photo, (a lake in Slovenia, she tells us), she's just killed someone. Any time you're caught standing near a lake, so this exercise has informed us, you're guilty of murder. Or at least manslaughter. Anyway, JG Wells is an old high-school friend of Hinesy's, and found Hinesy's lil' blog through newcomer Abe Jacquot's wife's blog (how many degrees is that?). She currently resides in the Netherlands with her fiance, and happens to run a blog herself (which you can visit here). Wow. The eighth entry. Can we make it nine before the end of March? (Craig?) Anyway, enough with my rambling preamble! Now, prepare yourself, for the EIGHTH entry in the March Literary Smackdown! (And, as an overly friendly note to those Smackdown participants who have not yet voted on the other entrants, you still have about two weeks before the end of the month to get those votes in. The mo' opinions the mo' better.) Okay. Now read and judge JG's "Fertile Ground".

Fertile Ground
by JG Wells

Jerome eased himself down on a flat, ochre-colored rock that jutted from the cliff-side, hovering over the lake’s edge. He let his dusty leather hiking boots dangle over the precipice, enjoying the cooling air circling around his sweaty, dirt-streaked calves. It had been an exertive hike around the lake that morning –one of the best in a long, long time. He spent a lot of time in the forest around Lake Merabet and knew the hiking trails and off-road paths, better than anyone. Although he lived in a typical, small-town house, with a well-manicured yard, Lake Merabet and its surrounding forest of towering trees felt more like home. Here, there was no yelling, only the whisper of the wind in the tree branches and chatter of birds and squirrels as they busied themselves overhead. Here, there was no pain and bruises (unless you made them yourself), only the caressing smoothness of silky water against your skin. Here, there were hardly ever people around. Jerome had developed an embarrassing stutter as a child and although he had better control of it now, he still felt more comfortable in the wilderness than with people.

The surface of the lake below him was as smooth as glass and a peaceful, restful green. This was his spot. He had found it several years ago. It was very private. You had to climb a steep, poorly marked path to get there. Most people just passed it by. Unlike the sandy beaches of Miami or southern California, the lake beach below him consisted of a multitude of rocks and pebbles in a variety of shapes, colors and sizes. Some of the rocks were smooth, flat and round –perfect for skipping far across the lake’s surface. Others were jagged and sharp –treacherous to walk on. Often, Jerome would strip, swim in the velvety waters and walk across the beach with bare feet, heedless of the hazardous stones.

Jerome took off his 49ers cap, laid his back against the sun-drenched rock and spread his arms out onto the mossy, lime earth beside him. He closed his eyes and listened to the calming sound of the water’s edge lapping against the rocks below.

Before long, his skin began to prickle with gooseflesh and he felt the disturbance before he heard the group of voices headed in his direction. Jerome quickly retracted his feet and crawled backwards, crouching behind the trunk of a nearby redwood tree. The voices were coming from below him and to the left. A few minutes later, the owners of the voices emerged. Three boys, he recognized two of them from school –idiot jocks. He hoped they would pass by, but instead they stopped just below the rock outcropping where Jerome had been lying. He hated them –they were all the same with their swaggering and posturing. Now they were ruining his morning of triumph. This was his beach, his special place –they had no right to intrude with their plastic coolers of Coors and loud, obnoxious voices. Defeated, he listened for a few minutes to their braggart’s exploits of conquests and scoffed before retreating backwards into the safe concealment of the forest. For all their allegations of sexual prowess, they might as well be impotent. Jerome had discovered a pleasure a thousand times more exciting and rewarding than any post-cum release. And it was only here, in the peace of the redwood trees, where the fertile earth covered his secrets, where the viridian water reflected his pleasure that he could bask in it.

20 Comments:

Blogger Jenna said...

Ok, ok, I get the (not so subtle hint) that for this whole shebang to work we have to judge each other. So, I'm rolling up my sleeves to do some reading and smacking, although it might take me a couple days to read through and give fair thought to all the entries. Is there a post from the beginning on criteria for judging, e.g., style, credibility, orginality...etc., or is it just a free for all?

Note to my fellow contestants: I realize I'm the only girl to enter so far (outside of anonymous). I have a couple e-mails out and I'm working on changing that. Please don't let it affect my smackability. My current writing experience focuses on marketing and highly technical documents, so my participation here is for fun and learning. However, I see that many of you are script writers and novelists, so please, no holes barred, no pc bullshit, gloves off --smack me. I always like a little spankin' now and then. :o)

5:32 PM  
Blogger Miller Sturtevant said...

Hinesy has some very saucy friends! The Smackdown embraces and encourages sauciness from all participants (though maybe not so much from the guys). As to your question, JG, yes, it's kind of a free for all around here in terms of judging. For example, Hinesy takes off points for not having a title, and also for not writing in the first person, so you're in the clear no matter what criteria you decide to use.

6:05 PM  
Blogger Jenna said...

Now you say that, after I've spent 30 minutes writing long responses for the first two...

6:20 PM  
Blogger Jenna said...

To dig down deep into the psyche of smackdown authors: After reading these entries, I'm just curious...How many of you pictured a woman as your victim? And how many of you actually pictured the murder and how it took place before looking through the character's eyes to describe the lake?

6:26 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

So, J.G....did you and Hinesy, ya know, ever make out by Lake Grapevine back during your high school days and all those lake parties? I'm just asking...because he's pulled the same stunt with me.

Also, blankfist is a girl.

4:04 AM  
Blogger Jenna said...

To Harwell: (said with sly smile) I'll never tell...well, maybe under the imminent threat of being tortured (I don't do the whole pain thing too well) or conversely, after a couple bottles of good champagne, but no, I'll never tell...all my secrets stay hidden in the closet between the cracked, purple vinyl bowling ball bag and the box of unmailed letters addressed in childish handwriting to God, covered by the unmarked box of porn and black, plastic trashbag of dirty clothes and used razor blades with dried, caked-on blood -oh wait, that's another story...:o)

To Nate: Thanks for the feedback. See, I just skipped over the "by" and focused on the "young" part of the challenge. This is very good commentary about the use of language for the character. I didn't even think about that. It's definitely more what I would say, but should have considered more what terminology Jerome would have used. 3rd person or not, I was still trying to get across that this was how he envisioned his world. Maybe I should have fleshed out the character and alluded somehow that he was a conflicted painter...than words like ochre and viridian would make more sense (paint pigments). I wasn't sure about the age when a guy crosses over from boy to young man or by what age a psychopathic criminal will make his first kill, but I was going with the idea of 17-19. I just looked up "cum" in the dictionary -my meaning was under 'vulgar slang'. Oops, not my intent, but actually it adds the first hint to some kind of deep-seeded vulgarity in the character. Anyhow, very good points on tone and character...I will work on that in the next challenge. :o)

Oh, and yes, my victim was totally a woman. I was picturing the slightly older woman that Jerome would be able to attract. He'd go for the woman that pitied him and saw him as an innocent, shy man who sometimes stuttered -one she could help bring out of his shell. Unassuming men are the scariest in my opinion. But to the point, after reading the bulk of entries, it made me question why most of the victims (including my own) were women. I guess it speaks to the fact that woman are considered the 'weaker' sex. Now, I'm not really happy with myself for chooing the 'norm' victim. I feel like I should have busted the whole women-are-the-victim thing and imagined my murderer killing oh, I don't know, a 55-year-old white, suburbanite, neo-Nazi man or something...

1:25 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Smacking.. it was not until the last line that I felt that there was any sense that perhaps anything was amiss. Murder? I would have liked to know more about him and his feelings earlier.

Don’t mention squirrels.. they are tree rats.. just a personal preference.

There was an excellent picture created, I could see the landscape, but it was superficial, no depth no emotion, I wanted to hear his thoughts, we were only on the surface.

You have to fight the technical feel and description , you have to give in the emotion, use the words to give your writing a texture.

The last line was of course the best.. And it was only here, in the peace of the redwood trees, where the fertile earth covered his secrets, where the viridian water reflected his pleasure that he could bask in it.
.. you could sense in that one line emotion.. “reflected his pleasure” .. amazing..
Give into your emotion let us see it.. looking forward to more
7.6

6:53 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

not bad at all ms garland.

you might not tell, but that doesn't mean i won't!! HAHA! i was there. i was naked.

nate...fuck off about the first person thing. you are wrong. plain and simple. and i soooooo did NOT get the grapevine lake feeling. guess i suck.

longer than i want....i don't care about the intruders. that didn't add too much to the description of the lake for me.

damn..i really want to be able to look at the story as i write my comments. guess i should 'open in new window' duh. oh well.

you get a ......5.3

7:20 PM  
Blogger Miller Sturtevant said...

Good entry, Jenna. I like this story though it flows so well I'm having a hard time picking any one thing out to heap praise upon it. I had just two issues with this: 1) from what I gather, Jerome is a high-school student who likes to be by himself. When you write that he's just had one of the best hikes in a long long time, he sounds more like a yuppy office-drone trying to get some time out of the office than a moody high-school murderer type. Just doesn't sound like something this kid would say. Also, he compares the shores of this lake with the beaches of Southern California and Miami -- because of the redwood trees and the 49ers hat, I take it he lives in Northern California, but if his family takes him down to LA and across country to Florida on occasion, it sits a little uneasily with the image of the moody outsider who hates jocks and broods in a "special spot" by Lake Marabet. These are not big things at all, and these things might make total sense in a longer piece, but they just kind of subtly threw me off with this piece.

Actually, I'll go ahead and agree with the first anonymous that the last line was probably the best, though I did have a question about it: "And it was only here, in the peace of the redwood trees, where the fertile earth covered his secrets, where the viridian water reflected his pleasure that he could bask in it." I get the first part -- this means he's buried someone under that fertile earth, right? -- but the second part eludes me. But it's a nice line.

Anyway, good entry. I give you a (7).

7:51 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I guess I just don't care for the style of the piece. But overall, it's a good story.

If I were to edit the piece I would suggest being more careful with defining the character. For example, the line from a small town with a "well-maincured lawn" made me roll me eyes. Perhaps there are some other details beneficial to knowing the character that would be better here.

Overall score: 5.5

9:08 AM  
Blogger Team Manager said...

eight

9:06 PM  
Blogger Jenna said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

8:13 AM  
Blogger Jenna said...

Rrrggghhh. The anonymous thing is driving me crazy. People need to get some balls and own up to your own name dagnabbit. Or pick a pseudonym or something, I can't keep all the anonymous people straight.

Ok, I'm really just trying to figure out who anonymous #2 is. Someone I know obviously, someone from my past as they use my old name, someone who writes in all lowercase, most likely a guy because women are less inclined to use the word 'fuck'. I'm raking my brain for all the naked people I've seen by a lake. Unfortunately (or fortunately), this doesn't really narrow it down for me.

Could it be entrant number 9? Can I add the little tidbit into the mix that not only is he incredibly secure in his masculinity, but infamous for stripping?

Somebody tell me if I'm totally off-target...

To anonymous #3: I totally get your point and agree with it. I shouldn't have written that. But, actually 'maincured lawn' (check your spelling) could have been quite funny? I'd like my grass rare (bloody, in fact) with a side of fries, thank you.

8:52 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

snotty comments like "check you spelling" are exactly why people wish to remain anonymous

6:16 PM  
Blogger Jenna said...

Touché.

-to your comment above. :o)

11:35 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Very descriptive entry.

I do wish there were more landmarks to help define the environs, like flat, ochre-colored rock that jutted from the cliff-side, hovering over the lake’s edge. Jerome seems very observant as a character and reverent to this place, so I longed for more little descriptions to accompany the rememberances; specific visuals to jump us off into the memories. Also, I found it odd that there was no hint of the dubious feat until the end of the story (a pleasure a thousand times more exciting and rewarding than any post-cum release and where the fertile earth covered his secrets, where the viridian water reflected his pleasure that he could bask in it). If there had NEVER been mention or allusion to the murder, now that would be pretty chilling to our audience of writers with knowledge of the crime.

Having tipped your hat, I liked the idea of the boys as a catalyst for our discovery into Jerome's dirty deed. Even if Jerome is not, I become worried that even a buried body will soon be discovered in such a frequently visited hiding spot. The same strength and power Jerome gets from keeping the corpse close I feel will ultimately be his undoing. Nice. But all of these feelings I get and questions that stir within me are because of the last two sentences. I wanted more time to worry, question, and understand why Jerome has done what he has done.

Rating: 6

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