Who Will Win the March Smackdown? Brian "The Scarecrow" Crane Throws His Hat Into the Sparsely Populated Ring
This is me, Brian Crane.The challenge for this month's Literary Smackdown came from the late novelist and esteemed creative writing teacher, John Gardner. In his book, The Art of Fiction, he provides exercises for creative writing students to do. One of them, the Smackdown's challenge this month, is to "describe a lake as seen by a young man who has just committed murder. Do not mention the murder." This was kind of challenging. HM and Hinesy both went the full-on story route with this exercise. I went for a simpler option and did only the description of the lake as seen by a murderer, as I imagine it might appear in a story about someone who's killed someone. Hope you like it. Time to judge, gentlemen.
A Description of a Lake
by Brian CraneA cold gust of wind thundered past his ears and across the water’s surface. The gust, which he imagined as a kind of invisible comet complete with a cold massless head and a long tail, rushed past and departed gradually. The breeze it interrupted was gone, replaced by a strong pushing against his back. The lake, placid for hours, became restless. On the far side of the water, down low against the exposed red banks, brown water surged against the earth, then retreated, each time nearly touching the lower boughs of the nightdark pines. The white noise of wind and water roared like a massive chemical reaction: crackly and dangerous. The whole miserable lake was a choppy mess for a time, leaping and dipping, alive and vigorous. He sensed in the lake an exhaustion; a willingness to relent. He felt it himself. After a time, the pushing subsided, the roaring in his ears quieted, and the water lapped at the banks with less passion. Relations normalized. And as the night grew to fullness around him, the wind fled, and the clouds that hid the moon skated across a glass-smooth surface.
posted by Miller Sturtevant | 3:24 PM
15 Comments:
Okay, Crane, nice effort for this exercise. And by "nice effort", I mean really awesome job, because this is a tough one. Brevity seems to work well in your favor, I think, because I can see this being a moment in a larger piece where a "young man" had killed someone, although I almost wanted it to stand on its on -- but, that's not a problem with your writing sample, but a personal prejudice I'm bringing to this so it won't effect my grading.
I have to appreciate the gifted way in which you paint a scene, visually, with few words. It's terse, but in a very succinct and smart way. The added visuals didn't come as a metaphor for the murder so much, which is, of course, a strength. However, in a large way, I really wanted to feel more from the "young man" through his descriptions. I liked the subtle way in which you hint to his mood at that moment when you write: "He sensed in the lake an exhaustion; a willingness to relent. He felt it himself."
If I had to judge, I'd give you an 8 for this effort. It's great. But, because you have "lake" and "placid" together in the story (Lake Placid), I'm afraid I will have to subtract a half-point for that, leaving your final score to be:
7.5
TRAITOR! I resend my previous vote and reduce it to 0. Why? Well, my humble friends, you need not look any further than his pimpin' ass post seen here: http://cranesinanities.blogspot.com/2006/03/thanks-for-visiting-now-go-to-this.html
He directed his loyal readers directly to his post, and by doing so made it difficult for them to visit anyone elses post. BOO! BOO! BOO, Crane! BOO! Cheap ass bastard! BOOO! You can pretend like you didn't mean it, but deep inside you meant it, dude. What a jerkface.
For that I resend my previous vote of 7.5 and give him a...
0
Ya know, I started writing something for this but now I've lost it. I love the site, though, Hinesy. And Crane - that's a sharp entry you've got there. You sure you've never murdered someone and then looked at lake?
I'm keeping an eye on you.
Murderer.
Man. One really has to keep on his toes not to offend Heath. I feel so bad. I mean, historically, Heath has walked on eggshells with us, always so cautious to never give offense. And for all of these long long years we've known him, we've given him ample opportunity to voice his opinions on a myriad of subjects that should rightly draw his ire: our many failings, our mistakes, the fact we draw breath. But all this time he's held his tongue, never once airing so much as hint of his true feelings. He has succeeded in never once offending any of his friends, much less insulting us. Heath, as I don't need to tell you, is a saint, not some mere mortal. That I have given offense, in this instance by not posting a direct link to Heath's brilliant story "The Tear in the Canonazo", pains me almost more than I can bear. I am left speechless.
Also, I guess the whole "rating" thing is out the window this month, too. Oh well. Maybe next month.
Nope. Next month you'll get a zero again, nerd, especially after that little bout of 'waaaaa'. Ha ha... bloop!
I'm a saint! Yay!
Crane sauce,
As a description this is really well-paced and has some nice visuals. If it were a story you would be guilty of breaking Elmore Leonard's "never talk about the weather in the first line" rule, but you're not writing Out of Sight here, just describing a lake.
Since I've had my ass handed to me before on the literal meaning of metaphors, let me point out one instance that stood out:
"The white noise of wind and water roared like a massive chemical reaction: crackly and dangerous."
I love this sentence but I've never in my life heard wind crack. The descriptions makes me think of those science fair project displays of electricity where you hear a little zap every now and then. Even if you can prove that wind can crack, I think it's at odds with your description of it also roaring. I'd say go with one or the other.
And I'd also lose the clouds skating imagery from the last line. That one feels a little too familiar and the other imagery is much too strong to end with this one.
Score: 2
(kidding)
Score: 8
7.5
I liked it but I dnt think itwas good enough for a score beyund this 2.5
As others before have said, I also enjoy how you put words together that don't exactly match but paint a vivid picture. I totally feel like rather than having committed a murder and then looking at a lake, your character is actually committing the murder in this scene and everything you've written is a metaphor for a strangulation. I feel the victim clawing for air, gasping and finally dying once "relations normalize." It's actually kinda creepy.
Final vote: 6.5
The image you create is one of turbulence not only on the lake but in the his mind as well… you tied them together in a intense and short paragraph, of course we wanted more.. yes more..
Ok now for the smack
“The whole miserable lake..” NOOOOO!
“Relations normalize” NOOOOOOO!
To short.. wanted more.. hit the mark for the assignment, better than any of us, but using the words “miserable” and “realtions normalize.. “ .. unforgivable.. 7.2
Write a longer piece next time.. show what you can do.
Best line: The white noise of wind and water roared like a massive chemical reaction: crackly and dangerous.
Just weird enough to be arty and edgy..cool
Ok 7.3
now that's what i'm talkn about.
hell, i even read the whole thing.
nate...you're crazy.
i would have love a little more about other aspecks than wind and water....size, folage....but all in all..i'll take it.
you get a 6.5.
what can i say..tis hard to get big numbers with me
Thank you for describing a lake and following directions. All these other stories seem to fail the actual exercise that is intended.
I felt the emotion with having to have too much background, the tone was even and well-paced.
Good job.
7.3
Dude,
Amazing stuff man.
10.0
seven
Beautiful work Crane.
Your description of the lake, to me, mirrors the emotional rollercoaster your murderer is on without bludgeoning us over the head with the murder. Nicely done. Great mood piece without entering into a complicated internal dialogue. I loved your simple transition into your character's brief thoughts -- He sensed in the lake an exhaustion; a willingness to relent. He felt it himself. Very simple. Very stirring.
Rating: 8.5
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